Articles on EFT/PET and Relationships

• Starting Out - EFT for Relationship Problems

• Couples Work

• How to Live with the 'Bad' Partner

• Criticism

• What Would Love do Here?

• Relationships and Spirituality

Dr David Lake has written an excellent manual on relationship issues and EFT which will be useful for everyone who wants to enhance their own relationships and for those who work with others on relationship issues. Click Here for Details

Starting Out - EFT for Relationship Problems

By David Lake

What do you say and do when you use EFT for a relationship problem? Where do you start? One of the most misunderstood concepts in relationship therapy is the goal of treatment. You may be surprised to find that in the field, this often remains essentially undefined. Therapists rush off in all directions with whatever feels comfortable to them. In my work as a relationship specialist, and in my contributions to this Forum, I intend to expand on my belief that the simplest goal is friendship; neither love nor happiness lends itself to immediate comprehension or mutual agreement. Essentially, all suffering is loss of love and attachment to fear. My goal in preparing the work of using EFT in treatment is to have this in mind. In future posts I will focus intensely on the practical work in EFT of finding the right words (talking smart), and using your intuitive gifts of feeling to promote harmony for your client (or yourself). I will give you as much as I know about the doing of EFT. Please feel free to use any of my words as long as you acknowledge the source if you go into the public domain.

First let me suggest that it's futile to rush into treating. It's like getting out the street directory when you're driving at speed. I think that before using any technique or therapy, you need to decide on a therapeutic framework that contains your own beliefs and philosophy, and which has application to ordinary people struggling with negative beliefs. As well, this framework should be practical and workable in reality. When you look at the general quality of advice in the relationship marketplace, and in popular media, it's time to treat yourself for the despairing thought that couples are doomed to live lives of unfulfilled dreams of closeness. Although EFT must be applied in a relational way, with great rapport, and is thus highly client-centred, the way I use it is according to my personal belief about a polarity.

This polarity is the interplay between friendship and criticism. I say friendship because it is a code word for closeness, devotional goodwill and thoughtful acceptance. We would always expect our good friends to respect and approve of us even if we have less than perfect behaviour. Conversely, we would never treat our friends the way we sometimes treat our partner-if we did, they would avoid us. People don't understand "relationship" because it's too difficult; only psychologists are fond of the concept. But we do understand friendship from our earliest days. Of course living together with someone implies a more intense and potentially difficult experience but friendship is a good basic standard to aspire to. "Whatever gets in the way of our friendship" is a definition of a problem. If the outcome of trying to change a problem is the deterioration of the friendship, then the strategy is not working ("we had to destroy the village in order to save it")

When we fail in this way, we enter a world of fault-finding and nit-picking which only confirms the truth that our partner is different, has different standards or values, and doesn't agree 100% with everything we want or need. Men don't leave the toilet seat down; women can't reverse park with confidence. Naturally this is intolerable. In the absence of any feedback or reality-testing, our resultant criticism is rarely constructive, and I consider this process one of the main relationship poisons. It is particularly toxic because it speaks of a process of struggle between two people that is both life-denying and impractical. Other's problems are far more fascinating than our own, so we feel free to step in with solutions. Criticism produces deep hurt over time, and implies that the criticiser is "one-up" and superior (when in reality we all have significant problems with our partners) and the criticisee is less worthy or valued as a person. We may think that it is OK to indulge, but we rarely have the high moral ground. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Knowing this intellectually is not much help, since when we do fail in our spiritual aspirations to be the good partner it's too easy to end up feeling wracked with remorse and guilt. Anyway, we prefer to blame and judge as it's most satisfying in the short-term! The fact that it doesn't work in the relationship, ruins your credit rating with the partner, and invariably causes resentful and hurt feelings, goes right over our heads in the moment!

This ignorant habit is ideal for self-help with EFT. We see differences where none exist. In the relational sense we are all seekers of the truth, and all want to be loved and accepted for who we are. We have the responsibility to sort out our own reactions to the partner's behaviour, to negotiate, to apologise. EFT helps you remove the blocks to doing all these things positively. Nothing gives you the right to criticise your friend unless you are already perfect, and even then it is unlikely to achieve much that is positive for a happy life together. So-give this criticising up. This admonition alone will bring up a wealth of material to tap on- at length- if you don't feel that it applies to you (hint: ask your partner "do you ever feel criticised by me?").

On a personal note, I had to choose, some years ago, between having a good relationship with one of my daughters, or getting her to pick up her wet towels consistently. I had made having both together impossible by failing to realise that she was not going to change, and criticising her to excess. After biting my lip in silence and the first 100 towels, I discovered EFT. I could have saved myself a lot of self-pity. Now, I am starting to enjoy picking them up, and anyone else's towels that are lying about (I told you I was a member of the helping profession). Am I doing the wrong thing? I don't care. The friendship is going fine. I suppose I have a few irritating habits that upset her, but I really don't know since I haven't got the courage to disturb the status quo.

Some general comments about relationship therapy. One partner alone can find the responsibility of dealing with a couple problem overwhelming. No two-person problem can be solved by only one. Some relationships have outlived their usefulness, and it is time to move on. Some problems arise at one time to provide the best opportunity you ever had to "break the chain" of dysfunction. In future contributions I hope to outline the specific leverage points where I have found it best to apply EFT in such couple issues, and also to show how practicing acceptance can be fun. For those of you who are managing to stay afloat with their partner without the benefit of all this specialised knowledge, keep doing what you're doing! You may be on to something. As my mentor Frank Farrelly (originator of Provocative Therapy) says: "people who think they know everything really irritate those of us who do". I am not the font of all wisdom on these matters, and I would enjoy feedback (which naturally should consist of a large measure of adulation) from others who labour in this vineyard before they come to their rest.

With my best intentions,

David Lake.

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Working With Couples

By David Lake

How do you help a couple to use EFT together? Well, it's like teaching them to have sex "properly". First, they must develop trust and faith in you. Then there are the detailed instructions. Last, a little demonstration. Then they might abandon the teaching while keeping the essentials and doing it their own way! Most of the good work occurs in private and I often wonder what is going on.

In couple therapy I like to have a teaching session to demonstrate EFT on something "light" (e.g. minor fears, aches and pains) as a prelude to entering the dark regions of the disturbance in the Force. (Sometimes I see each partner separately for assessment and teaching). This is fun, and serves to engage the partner who often did not want initially to come to therapy. Soon you have the pre-requisites for a solid session of treatment: a committed couple who have goodwill, a basic understanding of their problems and knowledge of EFT (with reassuring feedback for them on the relaxation and desensitising aspects). A couple without this goodwill is in for a bumpy ride, with or without EFT.

It is vital that the relational aspects of therapy, or getting along with people, come first when teaching EFT, otherwise it is just a technique. Techniques can be like a "trick", unless therapists integrate EFT naturalistically into their style of couple therapy. The key feature of EFT is that it must be used by the couple, or, despite good intentions, they might only use it to get relief of one problem-then forget all about it.

When I have very good rapport, either partner can do intense work. I basically want the couple to tap for an hour on everything relevant! The following are some examples of how I would engage such a couple strategically:

Both are tapping on what is stated or thought regardless of the person in focus. This can be virtually continual if necessary (with occasional repeat "setups") Either can tap for the hurt and negative feelings that rise up with the situation. One partner can tap on the other! (I feed the words...they create the words). Partners can tap on each other simultaneously.

The Words: I accept myself deeply and completely although:

General statements (SETUP):

You're my friend (but not at present)...
I love you (but I don't like you)...
You hurt me (and you shouldn't)...

Confessions (BOTH TAPPING)

I still love you in spite of what I did / you did / we did

Ventilations (BOTH TAPPING)

I can't stand it when...
You hurt me when...

Specific Focus on a Family of Origin issue

You're treating me just like...

Exaggerating the Negative (WITH GOOD RAPPORT)

You're the worst partner

Your problems are bigger than mine

Polarities and paradoxes (SPOKEN TOGETHER)

I love you / I hate you

It's your fault /my fault / our fault

I blame you / I don't blame you
You hurt me / I hurt you / we hurt each other

You're not perfect / I am perfect / But I'm not perfect

Effects can be dramatic, with a lot less bickering about right and wrong. There is also a feeling for each of being heard and understood, if the partner can speak about the mutual problem while both are tapping-with far less "explaining" by me. Although both do experience the problem from opposite sides, both feel settled by the EFT experience rather than struggling for justification, or a verdict from the therapist. The habitual game/theme/struggle of the couple can change. The healing effect of using polarities with couples in conflict is wonderfully intense; I'm not sure exactly why, but using the negatives overtly is highly effective in practice.

I regard the sight of a couple (who were in conflict), tapping carefully on each other's faces while they reconnect, as very moving.

So far in my practice, "complete" couple therapy like this is relatively rare, because I still see more individuals than couples. Also, the assessment and training take some 2-3 sessions, and many couples don't commit to the time overall-but I am not changing the basic framework, because there is no quick fix for such complex problems.

As self-help this is empowering for hurt, angry people; it's what EFT was made for in my opinion.

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How to Live with the 'Bad' Partner

By David Lake

Note: This article is written with the common minor and moderate relationship problems we all experience in mind. It suggests self-help without extra professional help. It is not meant to offer pat solutions for heavy-duty issues, such as a chronically depressed partner.

Being in relationship with anyone invites you to answer the question: 'How do I cope with feelings of difficulty and discomfort triggered in me by the other? Could it be possible that my loved one is not perfect...actually not that good today...alright: bad?' These hurt feelings are often disproportionately strong.

It is a mystery where this part of your friend has come from. It was not likely to have been present at the time you said: "Do you come here often/would you like to see my etchings/have coffee?". In an ideal world of love and romance only sweetness and light would prevail. Wrong again!

This is not a philosophical issue-it is a daily and practical one. Whenever we cannot deal with such hurt or negative feelings we are 'out of relationship" in many ways. Our inner world is disrupted. This is similar to feelings of culture shock in a foreign country, or the doubts and apprehensions when starting a new career or job or a phase of life. But it is much more hurtful. If you know that your partner has hurt you, how do you stay connected if your own angry and upset feelings are intuitively opposing this?

The 'Bad' Partner

'Presses your buttons'.
Breaks your 'rules'.
Forgets your training, the hard-earned lessons you have imparted, and your special needs
Is selfish/inconsiderate/thoughtless/tactless/disagreeable/uncooperative/careless (you fill in the blank...)
Can be very like certain other upsetting members of their sex you may have grown up with.
Makes you quite forget your own struggle with the 'bad' you--and all those personal problems you had to yourself before being together and sharing everything.

Existential Solution

First, the good has to outweigh the bad. This is crucial in dealing with the overall situation. Love, acceptance and validation, all the good stuff with the long names, but basically a lot of prior good times, mutual credit, trust and pillow talk. If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind or really need to inflict or suffer pain with your partner, please get on with it and leave me to my distorted perceptions of what happiness really is.

Second, the bad is meant to be there because we are all flawed (our 'dark'side) and need to work on ourselves all our life (unless you have taken incarnation as a self-realised saint and are just lurking on this list waiting for the correct time to reveal the secret of happiness in life). It is your personal work on yourself that will provide answers to this hurtful situation. Relationship brings hurt-learning about others the hard way.

Third, you are often the 'bad' partner too! How does he or she respond to you then? Who is 'badder"? Who is the slower learner? Love is conditional so often, until you lose your training wheels. Get the conditions right. It can be hard work and counter-intuitive.

Fourth, you shouldn't have these bad feelings-but you do! You are not like your partner in nature (yet in so many ways you are-in some unfeeling behaviours and capacity to hurt). Could it be that your 'dark' side is preventing your dealing with this problem? That your knowledge isn't helping? (It is obvious that psychologists and psychiatrists don't have the monopoly on good personal relationships. Enter EFT.)

Action Plan (not an exhaustive list)

• Do nothing right away-highly recommended. Your mind is not always your friend in these matters. There is no logical cause or solution for this hurt very often. Give yourself time and space.
• Treat yourself with EFT-see below.
• Interrupt your ruminating pattern (go outside, walk, distract yourself, clean the house)
• Creatively ignore the 'badness'. It's not the first time-or the last. Is it a bad habit-or a wrinkle in the great silk sheet of life? Can you honestly say you never bump the other car when parking?
• Meditate on the cost of not having a perfect relationship. Would a jury convict him or her on all the evidence?
• 'Turn the other cheek' (very good for committed Christians who love the New Testament and have no real wish to smite the other)
• Confront the criminal if you are feeling brave (and only if you are innocent)

Count your blessings

• Imagine the resolution of the problem. Repairing the friendship.
• Sulk or throw tantrums. Run away. Give up. Get deeply depressed and drink heavily (just kidding...but very popular, no?)

What To Tap On And What To Say In the EFT Set-up Statement

• Think of the partner's first name (or pet name). Find a place in the body where you can imagine or sense a related feeling sitting (eg stomach, heart, chest area). Focus on "Even though I have this (name) feeling..."
• Tap on what was said or done (the incident)

Many hurt feelings have no words so why complicate matters? Just do EFT sequences for self-soothing. "This upset/tension"..."This empty feeling"

• Associate to "unfair" and "it shouldn't happen" and anything to do with self-pity.
• Tap on the 'good' and the 'bad' alternately ("I love her...but not today"; "He is my best friend...but he really hurt me")
• Tap on blocking beliefs like "It can't be resolved" and "It's too much to put up with" and "I can't forgive this".
• I think it is worth exaggerating the problem in your mind whilst tapping because I find a greater benefit that way. Throw in the words "awful...terrible...horrible" as adjectives in your thought patterns if you can. Make the problem a little more intense if you can, while tapping, and see what happens.
• Be persistent.

Of course it is a very serious offence when one partner hurts another. I don't mean to be too light-hearted about it. Not that we ourselves would ever do such hurtful things to someone we care for...except accidentally perhaps...never with malice or meanness...and not so deliberately anyway, even if it if it were to happen, which it won't...

I say the responsibility for ongoing problems in relationship is 50-50--and the suffering is shared equally too! Men and women have equal capacity to hurt each other. This is not politically correct but I think it is true from my experience. If you think either sex suffers more from failed relationships please let me know.

Ask yourself this question: Did he/she wake up this morning wanting to cause harm to me?

If the answer is "yes" then you are in a very bad position! Either your credit rating with your loved one is zero, or you may be shackled to a brute. You may be headed for the hospital, the court or the morgue. If the answer is "no" then possibly they are human and fallible, with all the faults and foibles flesh is heir to (just like you). Behold your partner-"Doing the best they can" (thanks Larry). And so often for you.

Good luck.

To read more about using EFT for relationship issues, see Dr David Lake's new book "She'll be Right". For details on this book Click Here

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Criticism

By David Lake

I know of a sure way to ruin your relationship. Be a critic. Of all the relationship poisons, this is the deadliest, over time, and guaranteed never to improve the quality of your life. I suggest that EFT is the most useful antidote to this poison.

The urge to criticise and blame comes from deeply-felt ideas about the world and how it should be, when these precepts are flouted. There are two kinds of people in the world, those that can tolerate crumbs in the bed, and those who can't (actually, it's those who think there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't). As such, the hurt feelings are your own, and are triggered off by others-not caused.

Criticism can't work because of the world of hurt feelings that it stirs up in both participants. The price for being a critic is often the appreciation, acceptance and friendship inherent in good relationship.

Using EFT initially is not solving the problem. It is helping you to get straight emotionally first. When you can be more neutral both parties can confront and negotiate the truths of the situation more evenly.

Here's how I would use it personally, both as the criticiser and criticisee. I think EFT has more leverage if you focus on the negative and "hot" aspects of a problem, especially the irrational and awful/terrible/horrible ones. I use a light touch with the affirmations because I find this helps. Make these personal for your situation.

If you are the doer, you might feel the need to right a "wrong", and to restore your sense of order in your inner world about excess chaos-typically caused by another (often someone you "love").

Even if I feel like I can't let this go...I'm going to do the best I can. Although I can't put up with this any more....and I shouldn't have to anyway...and he/she should know better by now...I am going to find a way to deal with this.

Even though I know I'm right about this...so he/she must be wrong, I'd rather be happy than completely correct.

Despite this personal insult...I won't let it get in the way of our friendship. Even though I'm so upset about this I don't even want to tap, I'll do it anyway to keep the faith.

Although this is the last straw...and homicide is against the law...I suppose we both make mistakes.

Even though this makes life harder/more work for me, which I don't need, I will work hard for our friendship.

Although this reminds me of a whole lot of other bad stuff, it's only Monday; I'm going to handle this.

Even if this is proof that I live with a criminal/fool/idiot/dolt/hopeless case, he/she is my idiot-and I love him/her dearly, the last time I checked. Although he/she promised to love, honour and cherish, so did I-and I'm going to do it right now.

Blocking thoughts to treating the frustration about the "crime" include the following: I would say "I accept myself deeply and completely, even if..."

Nothing will ever change around here
I could become a doormat/martyr if I don't speak up
Things have to be done correctly...the right way (my way)
They don't do it, and they don't care...so I don't matter to them
They will never learn
I do things better
It's deliberate on his/her part
It's serious/important to me and I must prevail
I'm with the wrong person
I can't respect someone who does this
If he/she loved me they wouldn't do this
I feel/am helpless

Very often we lose sight of the awful fact that we are just as much a bother to our partner. Naturally they will remind us in due course. You become the criticisee, the receiver.

When you cop the lot (Australian for receiving criticism) you could use EFT like this:

Although I'm really hurt and upset...and he/she shouldn't have said those things, I'll settle myself the best I can.

Even if he/she is really angry, soon we'll discuss this like friends.

Although I don't think this is so bad, I'll fix it if I can, just for her/him.

Even if this is a storm in a teacup...it's our teacup, and I can help out here.

He/she obviously hates me...and two can play that game, but I'll do the tapping and prevent World War 3.

Although it's ridiculous for him/her to get so upset...and upset me as well, I'm going to hang in there, despite everything.

Although I'm guilty until proven innocent...the trial is today and the hanging tomorrow, I can weather this storm.

Even if technically it's not my fault, I'll stay calm and apologise if I'm part of the problem.

Although he/she's not blameless, I'll find the useful reaction here.

Blocking thoughts

"I accept myself deeply and completely even if..."

My good deeds have gone unnoticed
I can't live up to his/her standards
I am a bad person to him/her
Here we go again
His/her crimes are worse than mine
I don't know what am I supposed to do?
This whole thing is useless
He/she hates me
This is just too much/over the top/the end of the line
I can't help it if I'm not perfect

One objection to using EFT for these common hurts is that it could lead to feeling relaxed about a legitimate issue of abuse or bad boundaries. This is possible, but in my opinion only if there are severe personal problems to begin with; this would manifest as a poor sense of self in a damaged person.

I would still use EFT in this situation as it is very likely to lead to greatly increased self-esteem over time. Here the relational aspects of good therapy are as important as Energy techniques. When EFT does it's magic to our dysfunctional feeling-reactions, there's little danger that we will become too saintly or forgiving for the wrong reasons; we lose neither our common sense nor our time-tested ability to say or do the wrong thing from time to time.

Persistence and more persistence is the key in treating the deep anxieties and fears underlying our critical actions.

Of course there is much to do in negotiating the compromises of partnership. Some habits and faults are never going to change. If we criticise, in essence we have forgotten the Golden Rule with respect to forgiveness. My daughter once said to me "I know I did the wrong thing, but why are you so upset?" Exactly.

If you can imagine a world where you are treated so well, so kindly, so graciously, by someone who thinks the best of you, then naturally you will reciprocate. Nelson Mandela said in Sydney last week "If you treat people with impeccable integrity and honesty, then that is how they will treat you". Do we really have the right to criticise others?

Use EFT to help yourself and others to move beyond our limiting negative beliefs about the world. Start at home.

For more information on how to use EFT to remove the poison of criticism from relationships, see Dr David Lake's book "She'll be Right". Click Here for Information

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What Would Love do Here?

By David Lake

I maintain that relationship work is sometimes 'fraught with peril' due to the intensity of the painful emotional reactions unleashed in the context of bickering, struggling, fighting, and enduring the partner's 'doing what they do'. This is far worse than merely a 'wrinkle in the great silk sheet of life'. The intensity is vastly disproportionate to the provocation, and sometimes there is an eruption or earthquake! If it were not such a regular occurrence, misery or divorce would not be so common. EFT is an essential tool of self-help in order to bear with a reactive crisis. It is 'first-aid' par excellence. In my life I have encountered very few tools like EFT that have such elegance, effectiveness and application.

We are all subject to emotional fire and flood in relationship, yet not so sanguine about our survival. When we feel threatened, love becomes very conditional. In our hurt we indulge in blame and fault both inside and outside our carefully constructed world. There are few reliable ways to achieve relief and release when primitive feeling rises up; violence, including rage, self-harm, learned helplessness and depression result all too frequently. Obviously, humans will do nearly anything to alleviate these overwhelming reactive feelings. This must include life-affirming techniques like EFT if our inner world is to shift toward healing.

In the same way that the life force rises up and clings to desperate action in extreme danger, I think that our instincts work against us when we feel threatened by our partner (they may not wish to threaten us but we feel it anyway). Harville Hendrix ("Getting The Love You Want") explains such subjective fear and anger; he considers that our primitive 'reptilian brain' is activated by the event. We decide it is NOT SAFE. Part of us wants to lash out and deal with the danger to our self-esteem, or run away or submit. It doesn't feel "natural" in this context to treat ourselves when we have been manifestly treated 'badly' by another. Two questions (or their variations) immediately spring to mind:

1. Did they mean to do it? (have I lost my best friend/are they the enemy now?)

2. How am I going to react? (according to the 'show business' theory of psychology, our audience will either applaud, fall asleep or walk out-then we either change our show, or take it up the road to a new audience!)

There is usually little time for thought in such a situation as our emotional reactions tend to develop quickly.

I use and teach EFT for the devastating feelings that follow a hurt delivered by someone to whom we are vulnerable. (Of course, it is cold comfort to know that these are actually our own programmed, conditioned responses from the past, which we call right and wrong. They hurt all the same). They will happen in every relationship. We cling to the illusion that such a hurt for us will be utterly rare, while blind to the fact that we might deliver the same to our partner intermittently!

The radical part of this program involves asking yourself quickly the third, important question:

What would love do here?

When you experience the immediate effect of this question you will also feel the polarity of the linked, negative blocks or beliefs in full force. This also activates further your primitive 'fight or flight' stress reactions. Apply EFT to such negative phenomena. Focus on your body discomfort-where you feel these feelings (if you can identify a place). Apply it quickly. Apply it at length. Apply it continually until you do experience a shift and some relief. Apply it even if you don't know what you are doing-it is your own deep hurt from long ago that you are treating. Treat yourself now and first and see what is left afterwards. Tap (for example) on "these tears"; "this empty feeling"; "stomach emotion"; "my heartache". Tap on the words that were said, the look on the partner's face, or how "stupid" you feel for being in this position.

I accept myself deeply and completely even though...

"This is too much"
"I can't deal with this"
"This is the last straw"
"It's happened again"
"He/she promised me"
"My world is collapsing"
"I can't live like this"
"I said never again"
"This is unforgivable"

Tap on 'deep hurt', anger, shame, fear, sadness and all the emotions you might feel within. Follow these feelings- and any impressions and associated memories if you can- while they are fresh, and when you can make the time and space. Keep tapping regardless- in the crucial time after the disruption. As always with EFT it is the 'doing' that heals rather than the 'thinking about' or 'naming' the problem. Be pleased you are dealing with a major wobbly. This action is the psychological equivalent of applying pressure to a wound while staying calm.

When you feel calmer you have the chance of using strategic thinking and coping the best you can. Imagine a world where you are not "wiped out" by such a hurt, no matter how painful. You are "breaking the chain" of your couple problem by helping yourself. You decide about further resolution, action or help, based on your best judgement of what actually happened. You may also have had enough of any mistreatment. There are possibilities for the two of you only when your true self shows up-your human 'being'. EFT helps that happen.

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Relationship & Spirituality

By David Lake

I think it is no accident that the leaders in the field of Energy Psychology have strong spiritual connections that inform their work. This aspect of the field is not emphasized although I find it to be an integral part. I wonder whether the practice of Energy Psychology leads naturally towards the "opportunity for spiritual opening"?

I think it does. My observations of the "deeper" effects of EFT lead me to consider that when the mind is calmed, there is a growth of "being". So often this is accompanied by a personal peace. Possibly we are activating our spiritual energies when we use energy techniques.

A modern classic text by Eckhart Tolle-"The Power Of Now" (pub. Hodder)-makes the path of spiritual growth clear for the individual and the couple seeking deeper connection. He emphasizes the role of the mind in clouding the awareness of our present, and our inner energy. He points to the opening to joy and love that is possible when we accept what is-the Now-and detach from the egoic mind and the emotional "pain-body".

Here I gather and intersperse selected wisdom from the book (lines out of context) with my version of how EFT could "assist" in realizing the truth. I am using his words to illustrate self-help, for individuals in relationship, using Energy techniques.

My simple comments are no substitute for absorbing the wisdom and inspiration of a sage like Eckhart Tolle directly from his magnificent book.

"The moment that judgment stops, through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way".

This goes directly to the heart of connection. I have found that the negative issues often unleashed by the statement: "I accept myself" in the EFT set-up phrase are nothing less than the blocks to being yourself (see the excellent posts on the website by Steve Wells on this topic). EFT can apply a harmonizing influence to this chaos where the possibility increases that you will become more conscious, partly because awareness of your inner energy-body will anchor you in the Now.

"Why can't you just be yourself? When you have a relationship with yourself you have split yourself into two: "I" and "myself", subject and object...that mind-created duality is the root cause of... all problems and conflict in your life. In the state of enlightenment, you are yourself-"you" and "yourself" merge into one. You do not judge yourself... you do not love yourself, you do not hate yourself, and so on...there is no "self" that you need to protect, defend or feed anymore".

And no "self" to accept, either. Only the enlightened need comment here.

"Intimate relationships bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you...you want to keep yourself intact, and the pain has become an essential part of you...so you resist every attempt you make to heal the pain".

Here is the starting point of so many relationship problems, where eventually the unconscious patterns and pain manifest after being "triggered" by a partner. EFT is most useful here as a containing and holding mechanism which has the power to treat the held-feelings outside the influence of the mind. After EFT the mind "discovers" that the problem you had is not so bothersome, and suddenly you can "let it go..." Strangely, the results of persistent tapping on emotional trauma defuse the role of the mind in re-creating the problem repeatedly. This provides a huge benefit in the potential for conscious awareness in the present moment.

"If you resist or fight unconscious behaviour in others, you become unconscious yourself. Resistance is the mind".

If you use EFT to treat yourself for the hurts of conflict, you are using a direct body-energy treatment which supplants resistance in the mind, and does not necessarily increase it. Here your mind is willing initially to acknowledge that using EFT is better than doing something else that doesn't work (based on past experience of repeated conflict), and so you find a way to bypass the dysfunctional intentions of the past. EFT brings something life-affirming to the equation of conflict.

"Since resistance is inseparable from the mind, relinquishment of resistance-surrender-is the end of the mind as your master. Knowing that what is cannot be undone-because it already is-you say yes to what is or accept what isn't".

It goes without saying that effective use of EFT on a personal block can lead to a state of acceptance. This manifests as peace and harmony in relationship without denying innate difficulties. You can say 'yes" to the reality of life and partnership even if the mind may not logically agree. There can be peace first in relationship and problem-solving second. A partner or family member or friend may never change but you still love them. I simply don't know where this realization comes from in most successful treatment results. Often I regard it as beyond the mind. I do know that if such outcomes were purely the result of logic, reason and intellect, then a lot more people would just think their way to being happy, and not need help for hurt or suffering. We cannot do this. We have our "rules" about life.

"If you can never accept what is, by implication you will not be able to accept anybody the way they are. Surrender is inner acceptance of what is without any reservations... surrender does not transform what is, at least not directly. It transforms you...

When we persist in wanting our partner to change we must face up to the truth that it is our personal inability to accept our own reactions to what the partner does. I use EFT extensively on these reactions, which are easy to find. In a subtle way there is a movement towards acceptance of those reactions and of the partner's behaviour as the emotional intensity reduces and the mind's habit of judging is tempered. Personal change is the only thing we have as an option-especially by using EFT-but we cannot dictate the outcome in partnership. Very fortunately EFT provides positive energetic results when grappling with the egoic mind. It is a great lever.

"If you cannot accept ...the external condition (what is)...then accept what is inside...do not resist the pain...allow it to be there...surrender to whatever form the suffering takes...witness it...embrace it. Full attention is full acceptance".

Applying EFT to whatever suffering your attention embraces is a powerful healing.

"Instead of mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to each other the love you feel deep within".

Couples already know how to do this, as it is how you bonded when you first met! Only the conditional and judging mind is scared by trivial habits and fears that stimulate memories of hurt.

"Instead of reacting to delusion, you see the delusion yet at the same time look through it. Being the knowing creates a clear space of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are. No greater catalyst for transformation exists".

Being the knowing is "watching" the turbulence within (in times of trouble) and letting it be. EFT is something that might help calm this turbulence and foster this awareness.

"It always looks as if people had a choice but that is an illusion...as long as you are your mind, with its conditioned patterns, what choice do you have? You are not even there...the moment you realize this, there can be no more resentment...of someone's illness...the only appropriate response is compassion".

The one who truly loves you does not mean to hurt you.

In Conclusion

"The past ceases to have any power when you surrender to what is...presence is the key"

So often in relationship conflicts the mind is not your friend, and has only the illusion of second-hand rules and dysfunctional choice to offer. When the mind is bypassed by the Energy technique itself, and you can practice inner awareness (one kind of which practice forms much of the content of the "Power Of Now"), then your being-awareness-loving presence-reveals itself.

This may be the "intention" behind so many fine outcomes of Energy Psychology. It may be a transmission of energy too, within effective treatments.

I see some inspiring parallels between EFT and practical spirituality. I find that EFT and all the Energy Psychologies have the potential to bring an aspirant to a clear space of inner peace.

To read more about Dr David Lake's "take" on relationships, see his book "She'll be Right". Click Here for details

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