By Steve Wells
I download my email and find a notification for the 1st global conference on revenge! How about that, I think, an entire conference dedicated to the topic of revenge, vengeance, and retaliation. As the call for papers states: “Revenge, so we are told, is a dish best served cold: a 'sweet' wreaking of vengeance on those who have – either in reality or in our minds – slighted, wronged or in some way 'injured' us…” Hmmm.
As I read the conference description I think, “Isn’t that interesting, my wife and I were just watching a television program last night where revenge was the theme: Two guys who loved the same girl fought a duel, one of them won the duel but the other wouldn’t accept that he’d lost and spent the rest of his life sending people to kill the other guy… Ok, I admit it was Midsomer Murders, a rather sedate BBC show which my wife loves and which often sends me to sleep. This episode however, managed to hold my interest throughout… Hmmm.
As I muse on the “coincidence” of the revenge theme coming up twice in 24 hours my thoughts turn to a recent client who admitted over-reacting and seeking revenge for every slight or perceived slight in his life, if someone cut him off in traffic he would deliberately pursue them in order to “teach them a lesson”, even threatening his own safety to do so. I’m not that bad I think to myself. Hmmm.
Then I remember…
Two days prior to this while writing a workshop description for the website I ask my wife Louise for some feedback. She gives me the feedback but as usual she is very honest with me; my initial scratchings are less than perfect. And that’s where it starts. “You’re so negative” I respond to the perceived hurt, forgetting that I have asked for the feedback. I might add now as I reflect that at that point I did no tapping. After all it is “she” who has the attitude problem and a lack of tact and diplomacy… Hmmm.
So we continue our slightly heated “discussion” and it does work out ok, mainly because Louise persists with me, obviously realising that I really do need the help as I am “too close” to my own work. So she focuses on the task, not the attack, and we are able to come up with a way through my writing impasse…
But the story doesn’t end there unfortunately.
Later that evening at home I ask for help on another matter. Louise is busy however with the never-ending pile of household jobs, and refuses. So I react angrily and shout at her. (Again, I admit, no tapping here!). I don’t understand her refusal or the strength of her reaction to my expression of displeasure. Why couldn’t she do such a simple thing? Why is she reacting so?
Two hours later we are going to bed. Now I am being ignored and I don’t understand why. Sheesh! No chance to kiss and make up. As we say in Australia, I am in the dog house.
NOW, I am tapping because that rejection really hurts. And it isn’t fair. My cause as always was pure; I am just a poor misunderstood soul. So I sulk. And I hurt. And I tap. Just lightly on the finger points, and occasionally just touching and holding the face points, I don’t want to wake Louise up. And all the time I feel it is ME that has been wronged. Hmmm.
One thing I have learned is that the hurts we experience in relationships, especially in our primary relationships, are some of the most difficult feelings to treat. Sometimes it even feels like they are immune to the tapping they are so strong and persistent. This is because they are ancient feelings often with very deep and distant roots. I’ve learned when I have these feelings to start tapping and keep tapping, even if I have to do this for hours into the long night. Because the tapping, even when not working perfectly, tends to take the edge off those primitive feelings. And the thoughts which those feelings drive. Thoughts of…. yep … thoughts of vengeance!
So I tap for hours until I finally fall asleep. Then I wake up too early and I am still hurting. I start tapping lightly again as my mind torments me with thoughts of getting up versus staying in bed and the futility of all this damned tapping! But the focus is on MY hurt now, and all thoughts of vengeance have gone away. I know it is my problem and I know I have to persist. So I do.
I keep tapping until the alarm sounds. Louise wakes up and we start talking. I am awake enough and my emotions are subdued enough that I can try to listen and understand, without reacting. As always, there is another side, another perspective, another experience, another suffering, which I am blind to. I try to “get it” and I know I don’t totally but it doesn’t matter. I have made a valiant attempt. And we have weathered another storm. There’s mopping up to do but the energy has shifted. We live to love again…
So what do I have to say on the subject of revenge? I don’t like it. I reject it. I deny it. But if I’m truthful I have to admit I have it. Sure I didn’t go along with any of the thoughts of vengeance that entered my head in my “long dark night” and I can’t recall I time I ever did to any great extent. But what drove the severity of my negative reaction and brain-snap earlier that night? Sure as eggs it was the smouldering hurt from the perceived criticism earlier that day. And so once again I get to learn that whatever I teach the lesson is really for me.
I am reminded of a client who tended to react violently to his partner’s messiness. He would get so angry if his partner left her clothing and other effects lying around that he would swear and curse and smash something. I taught him the tapping and in his next session he told me it hadn’t worked. His partner had left her shoes lying around one day and he got so angry he smashed the shower screen door (then he had to repair it!). When I enquired if he’d done the tapping when he discovered her shoes spread around, he admitted he hadn’t. She had just done her thing and he reacted. In an instant I realised how futile it would be to advise him to tap at the time, as he was so driven by his angry feelings. So I advised him to do the tapping at a neutral time, before she did anything wrong and when he was not feeling upset. And that worked a treat. He didn’t have another violent aggressive incident after this, even though his partner still continued to be, in his words, “a bit messy”. Hmmm.
So here’s what I tell my clients (and myself) about anger and revenge: Don’t wait until someone cuts you off in traffic. Do the tapping when you first get in the car. Then you will be less reactive if something does happen. Don’t wait until your partner does that thing that “always” upsets you. Do the tapping at a neutral time when you are not being provoked. Anger and vengeance are such driving emotions it is very difficult (not impossible, but difficult) when you are “in” those feelings to stop yourself and tap. So do the tapping beforehand.
You can also do the tapping for first aid when you are upset, and you will still need to do this at times. But the work will then be much harder, as you’ll be working against the compelling drive of those strong emotional reactions. And you’ll need to persist.
If you want to, you can seek to identify the past experiences where you learnt these reactions and tap on those specific events and memories, but some of these things are quite unconscious to us. Persistence in tapping can work when you can’t even identify such events. So focus first on getting enough tapping into your life and when you do your overall reactivity will settle down. And you will start to see things clearly again. And you’ll be much easier to live with…
P.S: A day after I write this article I open my email inbox and download another conference alert… you aren’t going to believe this but you can check it out for yourself… at Oxford in July… the 3rd global conference on… wait for it… Forgiveness!!!
P.P.S.: Further enquiry will reveal both conferences are at the same place same dates. How appropriate...
P.P.P.S.: Come to a workshop and learn how to apply SET to relieve the hurt.
What do you think?
We would love to read your comments.
14 Replies to “Revenge and Tapping on the Hurt”
Steve, I really enjoyed this post and can really identify with what you’ve said, particularly “One thing I have learned is that the hurts we experience in relationships, especially in our primary relationships, are some of the most difficult feelings to treat. Sometimes it even feels like they are immune to the tapping they are so strong and persistent. This is because they are ancient feelings often with very deep and distant roots.”
Thanks, Noreen.
Steve, great point about tapping at a neutral time. Unfortunately, that is not when we are motivated to tap! We are usually only motivated to tap when in pain and when something happens that causes that pain. Establishing a tapping “practice” is a great thing to commit to – just like any other practice that helps us to be less reactive, like meditation. Thanks for sharing your experience – so true!
Steve, what a Godsend your blog was to read! I, too, opened my mail inbox just now whilst still seething from an aggravated evening with my family last night. I had been tapping through the night just to ease that fiery ball of fury I could feel in my stomach, and managed to get to sleep eventually – and yet I still woke up with the feeling in my body. I just know its an unconscious trigger because even with the tapping I can’t quite see what it’s all connected to. Yep, those ancient triggers are the pesky ones! 😉
Thanks Steve, for reminding me that even experienced fellows like your good self are only human too, oh and for making me smile!!! 🙂
This post came at a helpful time for me. Someone that I care for really deeply is behaving in a hurtful way towards me, maybe partly because he is struggling with some drug and alcohol addictions and isn’t really himself.
I wanted him to know how much he had hurt me, so I told him some news in a kind of sudden way, and now he has retaliated by cutting me out of his life.
I feel awful about the whole situation. I don’t know how to show him how much I care for him, now that my desire for revenge has pushed us further apart. In a strange way though, I think its probably healthier for the two of us if we have distance. Why is it that we get so enmeshed in hurting people we are so close to? (tap tap!)
Hi Steve,
Thank you very much for this article about your experience. I can totally relate:-). Every few days I feel “wronged, mostly just because I, if I had been in his shoes, had treated me “nicer”:-). My partner never seems to feel wronged by me – but he also never apologizes (that comes from his awful abusive childhood – he never wants to apologize ever again!). I must try EFT next time I feel wronged – perhaps I can see things differently after that. Normally I can only see them differently, after we’ve talked about them – but talking doesn’t always work:-(.
Auf Wiedersehen,
Angi
Steve, your forthright and honest self revelation is a very attractive aspect of what you write. I believe the issues you raise may be more important than they seem at first.
When I reflect on these problems in my own behavior, it seems that my anger and displeasure are being triggered by the little things in life way out of proportion to their true importance. It is as if negative emotion is somehow being stored within only to flare up in a new setting. If this is the case, the more important problem may be why these reactions continue to occur in the first place.
Could it be that our feeling of affront and being attacked, and the way our peace of mind is disrupted, is potentially serving an important role? If this is true, tapping on the habit of taking offense may be only a superficial approach to a more important problem. Kind of like placing a band-aid on a wound that would heal better if it was sutured.
If I am right, what may the true issue be? Perhaps it is the perception and belief that someone’s habitual behaviors can somehow injure us. Take the example of leaving dirty socks on the floor. We probably have the very reasonable expectation that everyone should pick up their own mess, but if they don’t, have they really hurt us? Certainly, stepping over a mess is not as relaxing as walking through a room with a clean, open floor, but have we actually been injured here? Could it be that our reaction is the real problem in that we are so fragile that clutter mightily disturbs our peace of mind? If we chose to do so, we could focus our attention on more productive things and allow someone their otherwise harmless quirks. Perhaps we could allow others to have the right to make choices that are not our choices.
I wonder if what we really should be tapping on, in these situations, is our own sense of self worth and what we require in the world to be happy and satisfied. Could this be the core issue here? Must everyone live up to our expectations or can we learn to accept ourselves and feel supported and loved at a deeper level than how others choose to configure our living space?
Just some questions that come to mind in response to your very interesting comments. Nice work!
Steve,
Even if you could not get some distance inside with your hurt and pain at first, you were able to start and persist later on, maybe because the pain was worse than the anger.
When I think about revenge I have gotten into pretty much a habit of checking out how I might feel if I were to pursue that course of action. Usually I don’t like the answers I get and don’t do it even if an opportunity is right there to do it.
Even then, your sense of humor shows through in how you express your thoughts.
Thanks for the glimpses deep inside Steve Wells.
What a thought provoking article. Thank you to you, and Louise, for sharing these deep feelings. I never thought of these overwhelming feelings as perhaps being ones of vengeance, I only thought of their justifiability. Tapping may sometimes be slow, but it can dismantle a pile of blocks, piece by piece, lock by lock. Acknowledging, accepting, understanding, planning, talking, letting go – whatever the stages, and whatever the order, it’s a process.
With me, it’s an identity problem. If someone (dares to) attack my (fragile) identity, eg saying that I am messy, I see RED. So gradually, after lots of EFT and other energy work, I don’t see red anymore, and I’m wondering, what is my identity? Do I need one at all? Should others be defining it for me? and lots of similar interesting gems, that I would never have explored if not for the insult. I really do owe the insulter something – but it’s not revenge!!
You are right, to quote the Bible “Vengeance is mine ” says the Lord, “I will repay”. Unforgiveness makes us ill, Forgiving is a key to freedom and wholeness.
Hey Steve, great article, it certainly reminded me of the buttons I have. One thing though, about not tapping when in the heat of the moment, which seems to go against other teachings in EFT, which are about bringing up the emotion so it can be tapped away. In his DVDs Gary (may peace be upon him ;)), says to his subjects, its o.k don’t say anything you are clearly feeling the emotion strongly enough, and just taps away. Or, as a someone who has only attended one formal course on PET missed the deeper ‘art of delivery’ here?
Also, in my wish to avoid conflict as much as possible (it wears me out, even when the world knows I am right!), I have started to take on other messages that I have picked up over the years, which is that when we feel these negative emotions against someone else, it is usually because that is something we are struggling with ourselves. After years of trying to be enlightened I am now moving to a place to try and accept that in the life I lead – which I like, that really is the way it is. Our long and deep relationships are so emotionally complex that some facet is always going to get us no matter what we do. As Buddha said ‘Shit happens’.
But the little voice in my head still says you are just trying to avoid conflict because you are coward, and not a real man! And so it goes ….
Love A xx