By Steve Wells
This week I continue my rant against some of the ridiculous success philosophies that are bandied about by pop psych experts. This week I take on the concept of Total Responsibility.
The total responsibility theory holds that no matter where you are, no matter what your circumstances, that you caused it, you are totally 100% responsible. The extreme version of this philosophy holds that everyone everywhere is where they are because they choose (or chose) to be there, and this even includes victims of genocide and natural disasters…
This uncompassionate narcissistic tripe is causing a huge amount of unnecessary suffering to people all over the world. Everywhere I go I see people who, if they get cancer, now have to ask, “What did I do to cause this?” And if they don’t ask that, they can be sure that some uncompassionate stranger or false friend will ask a question like it…
In regard to the current world economic climate which has caused people all over the world to be careful with their money a friend recently wrote to me, “Am I manifesting backwards?” Answer: No, some greedy bankers stuffed it up for the rest of us, and now we all have to deal with it!
The reason why you are supposed to accept total responsibility is, so the theorising goes, because if you do so, THEN you can change it. If you assume that you caused it, then it is supposed to follow logically that you can uncause it, that you are now empowered to change it and make it the way you want to be… Taking total responsibility is thus supposed to be empowering. Well wouldn’t it be great if this were the case? In actuality, for most people, it isn’t.
Let's challenge some of the assumptions of the total responsibility philosophy …
Firstly, why does it necessarily follow that if you do NOT assume total responsibility for having caused the situation you are in that you are somehow DIS-empowered by this and rendered unable to change it? If a cyclone causes my house to fall down does my seeing the cause of the situation as being natural forces prevent me from seeing that there are things I can do to change things? Does this automatically mean I cannot or will not rebuild my house? Of course not!
Nor does my seeing that external factors caused this situation mean that I will automatically be caught up in an unending blame game where I stay attached to my upset at (for example) the weather. It’s more likely an inability to accept what IS that would be the genesis of THAT problem…
Thirdly, does assuming that you are responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to you actually cause you to feel empowered? Obviously it can for some people, but it doesn’t for most of the people that I see. In fact, I see more people who are DIS-empowered rather than empowered by the doctrine of total responsibility.
Contrary to the empowerment theory, it’s been shown scientifically that assuming total responsibility for all the negative things that happen to you is a prescription for depression! According to Martin Seligman’s research in Learned Optimism people who are optimistic actually tend to transfer blame outside themselves for bad things that happen to them whereas those who are pessimistic tend to blame themselves for every bad thing that happens. When I first took Selgiman’s Optimism test 15 years ago, I came out a little bit pessimistic on this dimension! And it was then that I realised that the doctrine of total responsibility that I had swallowed hook line and sinker actually was a double edged sword, costing me a significant portion of my self-esteem…
As Seligman says: “People who blame themselves when they fail have low self-esteem as a consequence. They think they are worthless, talentless, and unlovable. People who blame external events do not lose self-esteem when bad events strike. On the whole, they like themselves better than people who blame themselves do.”
I am all for empowerment and being able to change things. But this total responsibility thing can be taken too far and most people tend to end up after swallowing it writhing uselessly in self-blame and self-recrimination rather than feeling empowered. As Seligman has shown, many of them are self-blaming themselves right into deep depression. If you are taking total responsibility the logical next step to self-blame you may end up suffering all the way to someone else’s bank…like your therapist, your life coach, or your new age thinking guru …
Who is responsible if someone gets attacked? Many might say that a person who chooses to walk down a dark alley at night is taking an unnecessary risk and therefore should take some responsibility for what happened… But is it also possible for bad things to happen to good people, even when they do all the “right” things? We all know this is true.
Are the people in China who have lost their homes due to the recent earthquake or the people in Texas whose homes have been wrecked due to the recent hurricane REALLY totally responsible for these things happening to them? And don’t please give me that BS that they all caused it to happen by their thinking. Do you really think that they were all thinking bad things and THAT is what caused this to happen to them? Do you really think that it was only their thinking that caused these catastrophic events? Unfortunately, despite plenty of evidence to the contrary, I know some of you reading this will still say yes to these questions…
And this brings us to the ugly side of the total responsibility philosophy, the absence of compassion in many who subscribe to this extreme view.
I have frequently seen people who believe in total responsibility act without compassion towards sufferers, looking down on them, even actively blaming them for their situation (“You caused it”), or totally invalidating the person’s situation and needs whilst encouraging them to “Look for the lesson” rather than giving them practical assistance and support. The person is usually already blaming themselves enough; they don’t need you to fuel the flames of their own internal toxic blame bonfire.
The extreme version of total responsibility thinking makes you out to be God. Not just A God, THE God. And not a compassionate God either, a judging God. That’s why it tends to appeal to narcissists and those who like to lord it over other people, looking down with derision on those that don’t swallow their philosophy, poor plebs that they are having all those problems …
Until they have problems themselves…
And that’s when perhaps the biggest problem with total responsibility hits home. The fact that it leaves you on your own. Alone. With all that presumed power and responsibility. And it is easy to forget that there are other people in the world willing to help you…
The support of other people is often the thing we need to help us through the tough times and total responsibility can cause us to cut ourselves off from this support. Those who end up in difficult circumstances can be lent a compassionate hand by those of us who, sometimes through good fortune alone, are at this moment in a position of strength and able to offer our support…
So what DO I agree with in terms of responsibility?
I agree with acknowledging and accepting the place you are at regardless of source, and then choosing to move on from there. Accepting what is, and taking response-ability for what you will do next. That’s what the word is about anyway, isn’t it, response-ability, the ability to choose your response to whatever situation you are in?
Now obviously your goals and the responses you choose will depend upon your level of awareness and the situation you find yourself in. If you are up to your neck in quicksand your first goal is simply to find something solid to hold onto, in order to ultimately make your way back to solid ground. And for that you may need someone else’s help…
So the version of responsibility that empowers me is: Whatever or whoever caused the situation I am in, my first goal is to accept where I am (and what IS) as prerequisite to responding to it. Once I can accept what IS, then I have the capacity to respond to it. I believe I CAN choose what direction I will then head in, knowing that I DO have influence but that there are also other forces in the world. And it is OK to ask for help and admit that I don't know everything. And that, I think, is the most empowering position to be in…
What do you think? We would love to read your comments...