By Steve Wells
This week I continue my rant against some of the ridiculous success philosophies that are bandied about by pop psych experts. This week I take on the concept of Total Responsibility.
The total responsibility theory holds that no matter where you are, no matter what your circumstances, that you caused it, you are totally 100% responsible. The extreme version of this philosophy holds that everyone everywhere is where they are because they choose (or chose) to be there, and this even includes victims of genocide and natural disasters…
This uncompassionate narcissistic tripe is causing a huge amount of unnecessary suffering to people all over the world. Everywhere I go I see people who, if they get cancer, now have to ask, “What did I do to cause this?” And if they don’t ask that, they can be sure that some uncompassionate stranger or false friend will ask a question like it…
In regard to the current world economic climate which has caused people all over the world to be careful with their money a friend recently wrote to me, “Am I manifesting backwards?” Answer: No, some greedy bankers stuffed it up for the rest of us, and now we all have to deal with it!
The reason why you are supposed to accept total responsibility is, so the theorising goes, because if you do so, THEN you can change it. If you assume that you caused it, then it is supposed to follow logically that you can uncause it, that you are now empowered to change it and make it the way you want to be… Taking total responsibility is thus supposed to be empowering. Well wouldn’t it be great if this were the case? In actuality, for most people, it isn’t.
Let's challenge some of the assumptions of the total responsibility philosophy …
Firstly, why does it necessarily follow that if you do NOT assume total responsibility for having caused the situation you are in that you are somehow DIS-empowered by this and rendered unable to change it? If a cyclone causes my house to fall down does my seeing the cause of the situation as being natural forces prevent me from seeing that there are things I can do to change things? Does this automatically mean I cannot or will not rebuild my house? Of course not!
Nor does my seeing that external factors caused this situation mean that I will automatically be caught up in an unending blame game where I stay attached to my upset at (for example) the weather. It’s more likely an inability to accept what IS that would be the genesis of THAT problem…
Thirdly, does assuming that you are responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to you actually cause you to feel empowered? Obviously it can for some people, but it doesn’t for most of the people that I see. In fact, I see more people who are DIS-empowered rather than empowered by the doctrine of total responsibility.
Contrary to the empowerment theory, it’s been shown scientifically that assuming total responsibility for all the negative things that happen to you is a prescription for depression! According to Martin Seligman’s research in Learned Optimism people who are optimistic actually tend to transfer blame outside themselves for bad things that happen to them whereas those who are pessimistic tend to blame themselves for every bad thing that happens. When I first took Selgiman’s Optimism test 15 years ago, I came out a little bit pessimistic on this dimension! And it was then that I realised that the doctrine of total responsibility that I had swallowed hook line and sinker actually was a double edged sword, costing me a significant portion of my self-esteem…
As Seligman says: “People who blame themselves when they fail have low self-esteem as a consequence. They think they are worthless, talentless, and unlovable. People who blame external events do not lose self-esteem when bad events strike. On the whole, they like themselves better than people who blame themselves do.”
I am all for empowerment and being able to change things. But this total responsibility thing can be taken too far and most people tend to end up after swallowing it writhing uselessly in self-blame and self-recrimination rather than feeling empowered. As Seligman has shown, many of them are self-blaming themselves right into deep depression. If you are taking total responsibility the logical next step to self-blame you may end up suffering all the way to someone else’s bank…like your therapist, your life coach, or your new age thinking guru …
Who is responsible if someone gets attacked? Many might say that a person who chooses to walk down a dark alley at night is taking an unnecessary risk and therefore should take some responsibility for what happened… But is it also possible for bad things to happen to good people, even when they do all the “right” things? We all know this is true.
Are the people in China who have lost their homes due to the recent earthquake or the people in Texas whose homes have been wrecked due to the recent hurricane REALLY totally responsible for these things happening to them? And don’t please give me that BS that they all caused it to happen by their thinking. Do you really think that they were all thinking bad things and THAT is what caused this to happen to them? Do you really think that it was only their thinking that caused these catastrophic events? Unfortunately, despite plenty of evidence to the contrary, I know some of you reading this will still say yes to these questions…
And this brings us to the ugly side of the total responsibility philosophy, the absence of compassion in many who subscribe to this extreme view.
I have frequently seen people who believe in total responsibility act without compassion towards sufferers, looking down on them, even actively blaming them for their situation (“You caused it”), or totally invalidating the person’s situation and needs whilst encouraging them to “Look for the lesson” rather than giving them practical assistance and support. The person is usually already blaming themselves enough; they don’t need you to fuel the flames of their own internal toxic blame bonfire.
The extreme version of total responsibility thinking makes you out to be God. Not just A God, THE God. And not a compassionate God either, a judging God. That’s why it tends to appeal to narcissists and those who like to lord it over other people, looking down with derision on those that don’t swallow their philosophy, poor plebs that they are having all those problems …
Until they have problems themselves…
And that’s when perhaps the biggest problem with total responsibility hits home. The fact that it leaves you on your own. Alone. With all that presumed power and responsibility. And it is easy to forget that there are other people in the world willing to help you…
The support of other people is often the thing we need to help us through the tough times and total responsibility can cause us to cut ourselves off from this support. Those who end up in difficult circumstances can be lent a compassionate hand by those of us who, sometimes through good fortune alone, are at this moment in a position of strength and able to offer our support…
So what DO I agree with in terms of responsibility?
I agree with acknowledging and accepting the place you are at regardless of source, and then choosing to move on from there. Accepting what is, and taking response-ability for what you will do next. That’s what the word is about anyway, isn’t it, response-ability, the ability to choose your response to whatever situation you are in?
Now obviously your goals and the responses you choose will depend upon your level of awareness and the situation you find yourself in. If you are up to your neck in quicksand your first goal is simply to find something solid to hold onto, in order to ultimately make your way back to solid ground. And for that you may need someone else’s help…
So the version of responsibility that empowers me is: Whatever or whoever caused the situation I am in, my first goal is to accept where I am (and what IS) as prerequisite to responding to it. Once I can accept what IS, then I have the capacity to respond to it. I believe I CAN choose what direction I will then head in, knowing that I DO have influence but that there are also other forces in the world. And it is OK to ask for help and admit that I don't know everything. And that, I think, is the most empowering position to be in…
What do you think? We would love to read your comments...
38 Replies to “The Myth of Total Responsibility”
I agree that there is at times an abuse of the expression, total responsibility.
However, I believe that it is relevant to the human condition to conceive of one as contributing to (influencing) the environment, while also being influenced by the environment.
As a believer in holism and living systems theory, I acknowledge that I, as a contributor, am the source of influences. At the same time, I believe that I do not control my environment. Rather, I interact with the influences from my environment.
My thoughts, feelings, choices and actions are mine – in that sense, I am responsible, depending on how the word is defined. I have found 5 definitions for the term. Which shall we use?
1. Answerable for an act performed or for its consequences; accountable; amenable, especially legally or politically.
2. Capable of responding to any reasonable claim; able to answer reasonably for one’s conduct and obligations; capable of rational conduct.
3. Involving responsibility; involving a degree of personal accountability on the part of the person concerned.
4. Being a primary cause or agent of some event or action; being held liable for something.
5. Able to be trusted; reliable; trustworthy.
If someone were to comment that I am “totally responsible,” I might respond with a question, “Which of the five definitions apply to your comment?”
Excellent Steve! I think you articulated very well two important concepts. First “accept” the situation as it is, you don’t have to like it, as this is reality. Also and more importantly is that we each have the response-ability to choose what happens next.
Having recently gone through a life changing event I accept my responsibility in my portion of the event, as I was not the entire cause, and choosing how I react to this situation and what I do on a go forward basis.
I think, that like anything, you need to look at the idea of “total responsibility” and choose the portions that make the most sense. As in the book/movie The Secret what they left out is being clear on what you want and taking response-ability for the actions that will bring it into your reality. Including getting the negative BS out of the way 🙂
I also would just like to say “Thank You” to you and David for SET. I use it all the time and I loved Louise’s article today.
Until we get a chance to meet again!
Kevin K
New Jersey, USA
Thank you Steve! Here is my experience with that “total responsibility”: I sympathized for some years with a spiritual group who says “you are god also” and felt empowered by it until I came to the point to hear that I had to start back at the beginning with my spiritual lessons because I did not manage to solve my financial problems at the time of the proclaimed “Quantum leap” in summer 2007. It was like that punishment in a play, when you have to go back to the “start” without getting the benefits the other players get there. I could no longer feel any compassion in that group. Instead I felt separated and worthless to participate any longer. Felt as they left me behind and I went on alone, like all the years before. I struggle hard to overcome not only my financial problems but all other related problems and the unconscius issues behind them with EFT now, but every time I realise, I am not done with it yet, I feel guilt and inadequacy and despair, because I learnt that I am “totaly responsible” and everything is my choice. I feel depressed and helpless and seperated from god (that I-am-god or any other) in these moments and I can feel the blocking resistance in me. I am very grateful that I have found EFT to support me now and I think it is a goog idea to tap not only on my depressive feelings but also on that unsupportive believe. Thank you so much for your compassionate article…
What a breath of fresh air. Thank you! Can you imagine how this myth makes me feel when faced with my son’s death to murder! How did I attract this? How did he attract it? And what about the murderer? Did he and my son allign themselves for some eternal purpose? Oy! Bad enough there is no satisfactory answer to the ‘why’ of it all. But now it’s our fault. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
p.s. just my 2 cents about the greedy bankers…it’s greedy everybody. JMHO.
What a timely article! I don’t buy into this ‘total responsibility’ thing – but just to prove how insidious and damaging it is I definitely caught a nasty dose of it last week!
My website designer bailed on me a week ago and I’ve had a high old time trying to think what I might have done to cause this to happen. Was this a sophisticated form of procrastination? Did I choose a guy not up to the job because I was subconciously self-sabotaging? Maybe I didn’t really want an ecommerce website at all?
Yes, yes – all tripe. I came to my senses (with the help of EFT) and realised the simple truth is that despite his assertions he just wasn’t up to the job. Not tragic as in the examples you describe, Steve; I’ve nothing else to do but choose a new designer (a little more carefully this time – and that I’m happy to take responsibility for!)
The responsibility we do have though is to treat our fellow man with respect and kindness – isn’t that right? And to suspend judgement?
Hang on – that could lead to never blaming anyone for anything – another can of worms!
I am so glad you have written about this, it has been bothering for some time that I created a situation with my husband and his drinking-I would like to know why I should take responsibility for something he wants to do and has a result has created alot of misery for my son and I. I have talked to my husband when he is sober how it affects us, its always the same line-he is stressed he needs it, as to how he treats us, all says is he is sorry. I would like to know for all of those with serious illnesses, particularly a child how they asked for this. I have never bought in to it that children in a past life or whatever have come back to deal with this and I don’t believe someone who is murdered asked for that to happen.
Tja, for some people for a long time it was God, whose will cuases their fate… And the only thing they could do was to pray and to hope not to come into hell. This stuff with responsibility is the same old pattern: if you do every thing right you will be happy! If not, bad luck!
We should look at the mechanismen of our limbic system which leads us since thousands of years with three main pattern: balance & safety, dominance & success and the last one is stimulanz & adventure – when the main issues food, sex, breath are fulfilled.
Out of that it is simple: health in every aspect has to do with the first limbic driver: safety and balance. If we can put a name on it, it feels as if we can handle it. If we say, it is our fault, it gives us for a short moment the impression and the feeling: I can deal successfully with it! This is one of the deeper issues behind this behavior and the missunderstanding of this thoughts of total responsibility.
How happy we are to have such tools like EFT! To calm down a bit of the emotional limbic drive and to find out that there are a lot more possibilities to react than only one out of fear!
So good to see someone publicly challenge this garbage Steve. I have seen it used to justify dragging kids through parents’ dysfunctional behaviour – “she chose to be born into our family” and by a bullying huband to his wife – ” You should consider what is wrong with you that attracts people who bully you”. It as become the ultimate cop-out.
I would like to tone down the totalitarian nature of the title a bit.
Life is not black and white,. there are 256 shades of gray in between.
As Stephen Covey taught me so well over a decade ago, there is my circle of influence and my circle of concern.
I can not assume responseiility for that which I have no control over. (Hurricanes, Earthquakes, Financial destabilization, etc,..) regardless of what Total Responsibility theorists say. This would lay in my circle of concern. Be clear about where one lives and what surrounds you. If you can, move away from obvious dangers. (Coastal areas with history of bad weather, Tectonic faults, etc,..) This does concern me but I have no real control over it.
Yet! I can clearly assume response-ability for how I will allow the overwhelming external occurrence once it takes place to influence me.
This leads me in to my realm of influence,. where yes,. I am totally responsible for everything that happens to me, because I choose and chose in the past to react according to the information I was given and had at hand. (Certain levels of awareness are needed for this part)
It is with this notion and now clearly staked out difference, that I can begin to build myself up from the inside out.
I choose clarity within my circle of influence, how I live my life, where I invest, what I eat, where I buy my food from, what health care method I favor over another,. etc,. I have to assume response-ability by gathering information and questioning everything to my satisfaction.
I can choose not to quit smoking, keep spending, living beyond my means, Ignore all sorts of advice on unhealthy foods,. be bad tempered, build my house on a cliff known for erosion every 50 years,. but then should not attribute the consequences to an act outside of my circle of influence. I was in control!
Steve,. I am 100% with you that this is a process, and it is always a crisis that wakes you up to become aware of where the lines are drawn between influence and concern. There is not a single person I know ,that has a heightened degree of awareness, that did not get there by personally rebuilding themselves from their own ashes. Deep crisis puts things in to perspective. Prioritizes what is really important in life.
Blessings
Till
Hi Steve – I take the expression “total respons-ability” to mean being totally resonsible for the part that one has to play, one’s own part, in the overall scenario. It is impossible, and I agree with you, trying to be “God-like”, if one assumes responsibility for everyone else’s part of things, including natural disasters. That is a recipe for total disaster, and somewhat of an ego trip, in the end, anyway. We are, however, still responsible for our unconscious beliefs as they are part of ourselves, and they are active in helping create our realities.
I’m very glad you have raised this topic. It is very easy to overplay one’s part, I have done it for years, with the resultant depression. Let’s look at the opposite – when we succeed, is the success created just by one person? It’s not possible!
And bravo for raising the topic of compassion – happiness comes with the empowerment of seeing one’s role in a true light together with love for one’s self and others. The two together are meant to create compassion and lessen judgement. I think the pendulum has swung from a culture of endless blame, to one of “over” responsibility, and having faced some demons of both polar distortions, perhaps we can head back to a more joyful and inspiring reality.