By Steve Wells
This week I continue my rant against some of the ridiculous success philosophies that are bandied about by pop psych experts. This week I take on the concept of Total Responsibility.
The total responsibility theory holds that no matter where you are, no matter what your circumstances, that you caused it, you are totally 100% responsible. The extreme version of this philosophy holds that everyone everywhere is where they are because they choose (or chose) to be there, and this even includes victims of genocide and natural disasters…
This uncompassionate narcissistic tripe is causing a huge amount of unnecessary suffering to people all over the world. Everywhere I go I see people who, if they get cancer, now have to ask, “What did I do to cause this?” And if they don’t ask that, they can be sure that some uncompassionate stranger or false friend will ask a question like it…
In regard to the current world economic climate which has caused people all over the world to be careful with their money a friend recently wrote to me, “Am I manifesting backwards?” Answer: No, some greedy bankers stuffed it up for the rest of us, and now we all have to deal with it!
The reason why you are supposed to accept total responsibility is, so the theorising goes, because if you do so, THEN you can change it. If you assume that you caused it, then it is supposed to follow logically that you can uncause it, that you are now empowered to change it and make it the way you want to be… Taking total responsibility is thus supposed to be empowering. Well wouldn’t it be great if this were the case? In actuality, for most people, it isn’t.
Let's challenge some of the assumptions of the total responsibility philosophy …
Firstly, why does it necessarily follow that if you do NOT assume total responsibility for having caused the situation you are in that you are somehow DIS-empowered by this and rendered unable to change it? If a cyclone causes my house to fall down does my seeing the cause of the situation as being natural forces prevent me from seeing that there are things I can do to change things? Does this automatically mean I cannot or will not rebuild my house? Of course not!
Nor does my seeing that external factors caused this situation mean that I will automatically be caught up in an unending blame game where I stay attached to my upset at (for example) the weather. It’s more likely an inability to accept what IS that would be the genesis of THAT problem…
Thirdly, does assuming that you are responsible for EVERYTHING that happens to you actually cause you to feel empowered? Obviously it can for some people, but it doesn’t for most of the people that I see. In fact, I see more people who are DIS-empowered rather than empowered by the doctrine of total responsibility.
Contrary to the empowerment theory, it’s been shown scientifically that assuming total responsibility for all the negative things that happen to you is a prescription for depression! According to Martin Seligman’s research in Learned Optimism people who are optimistic actually tend to transfer blame outside themselves for bad things that happen to them whereas those who are pessimistic tend to blame themselves for every bad thing that happens. When I first took Selgiman’s Optimism test 15 years ago, I came out a little bit pessimistic on this dimension! And it was then that I realised that the doctrine of total responsibility that I had swallowed hook line and sinker actually was a double edged sword, costing me a significant portion of my self-esteem…
As Seligman says: “People who blame themselves when they fail have low self-esteem as a consequence. They think they are worthless, talentless, and unlovable. People who blame external events do not lose self-esteem when bad events strike. On the whole, they like themselves better than people who blame themselves do.”
I am all for empowerment and being able to change things. But this total responsibility thing can be taken too far and most people tend to end up after swallowing it writhing uselessly in self-blame and self-recrimination rather than feeling empowered. As Seligman has shown, many of them are self-blaming themselves right into deep depression. If you are taking total responsibility the logical next step to self-blame you may end up suffering all the way to someone else’s bank…like your therapist, your life coach, or your new age thinking guru …
Who is responsible if someone gets attacked? Many might say that a person who chooses to walk down a dark alley at night is taking an unnecessary risk and therefore should take some responsibility for what happened… But is it also possible for bad things to happen to good people, even when they do all the “right” things? We all know this is true.
Are the people in China who have lost their homes due to the recent earthquake or the people in Texas whose homes have been wrecked due to the recent hurricane REALLY totally responsible for these things happening to them? And don’t please give me that BS that they all caused it to happen by their thinking. Do you really think that they were all thinking bad things and THAT is what caused this to happen to them? Do you really think that it was only their thinking that caused these catastrophic events? Unfortunately, despite plenty of evidence to the contrary, I know some of you reading this will still say yes to these questions…
And this brings us to the ugly side of the total responsibility philosophy, the absence of compassion in many who subscribe to this extreme view.
I have frequently seen people who believe in total responsibility act without compassion towards sufferers, looking down on them, even actively blaming them for their situation (“You caused it”), or totally invalidating the person’s situation and needs whilst encouraging them to “Look for the lesson” rather than giving them practical assistance and support. The person is usually already blaming themselves enough; they don’t need you to fuel the flames of their own internal toxic blame bonfire.
The extreme version of total responsibility thinking makes you out to be God. Not just A God, THE God. And not a compassionate God either, a judging God. That’s why it tends to appeal to narcissists and those who like to lord it over other people, looking down with derision on those that don’t swallow their philosophy, poor plebs that they are having all those problems …
Until they have problems themselves…
And that’s when perhaps the biggest problem with total responsibility hits home. The fact that it leaves you on your own. Alone. With all that presumed power and responsibility. And it is easy to forget that there are other people in the world willing to help you…
The support of other people is often the thing we need to help us through the tough times and total responsibility can cause us to cut ourselves off from this support. Those who end up in difficult circumstances can be lent a compassionate hand by those of us who, sometimes through good fortune alone, are at this moment in a position of strength and able to offer our support…
So what DO I agree with in terms of responsibility?
I agree with acknowledging and accepting the place you are at regardless of source, and then choosing to move on from there. Accepting what is, and taking response-ability for what you will do next. That’s what the word is about anyway, isn’t it, response-ability, the ability to choose your response to whatever situation you are in?
Now obviously your goals and the responses you choose will depend upon your level of awareness and the situation you find yourself in. If you are up to your neck in quicksand your first goal is simply to find something solid to hold onto, in order to ultimately make your way back to solid ground. And for that you may need someone else’s help…
So the version of responsibility that empowers me is: Whatever or whoever caused the situation I am in, my first goal is to accept where I am (and what IS) as prerequisite to responding to it. Once I can accept what IS, then I have the capacity to respond to it. I believe I CAN choose what direction I will then head in, knowing that I DO have influence but that there are also other forces in the world. And it is OK to ask for help and admit that I don't know everything. And that, I think, is the most empowering position to be in…
What do you think? We would love to read your comments...
38 Replies to “The Myth of Total Responsibility”
Thanks, Steve. Very interesting …
Two things I want to comment on – first, your interpretation of “total responsibility equals blaming yourself for everything and lowering self-esteem possibly into depression”. After reading your article, I guess it’s possible. I’ve just never ever seen it that way. There is another part of the “total responsibility” philosophy – it says – don’t blame yourself. If anything bad happens to you – use it as a stepping stone, analyze it, learn from it and move on. Yes, choose your next step.
Anyway, the second thing is much more interesting for me – “total responsibility leads to absence of compassion and that leaves you alone”. Boy, that’s a bomb for me! I’ve never thought about it this way – and it makes perfect sense. It also explains what is currently happening to me. I am loosing a dear friend. Few weeks ago, she started being really nasty to me. Pushing me, attacking me, telling me how “simple” everything is and I am making a big deal out of it. It started with a little “white lie” from her and I was upset. It wasn’t anything huge or life threatening but I did expect a “sorry” when I found out. I didn’t get anything like “sorry”. I got lectures about “you chose to be pissed off, it’s your problem”, “you chose not to like me right now, it’s your choice” – and much much more. I was surprised, I didn’t want to argue. I became more and more quiet and reserved and with that she became more and more pushy – pretty much telling me “YOU FEEL HURT? GET OVER IT!!!”
I’ve been confused. I’ve closed down. I’ve been trying to figure out what’s happened? Your explanation makes perfect sense. And guess what? She offered me a perfect mirror – for last few years, I used to be the same. Often wondering why people don’t want to listen to me. Oh my God! Compassion! Thanks, Steve.
Personally, Steve, I found it extremely empowering to believe that I caused cancer & disease in my body by my emotions (suppressing feelings) and actions.
Taking full responsibility was very liberating for me and extremely rewarding. I didn’t beat myself up or go into blame which I think is where some people get lost.
If I had just simply accepted my diagnosis, I might still have done something about it but I know I would not have had the same compelling belief that I would absolutely reverse my diagnosis & would do whatever it took.
I shudder to think where I would be now would out that belief.
I’ll second that Bravo! Finally a common sense approach to responsibility! Far more liberating and empowering. The weight of total responsibility reasoning is enormous. I find it freezes people into inaction and they stay stuck for way too long which just exacerbates the problem. This is a much more enabling approach.
This concept that “everything that happens to us is caused by us or that we are responsible for everything that happens to us” is supported by several “well respected” writings. A Course In Miracles states that everything that seems to happen to us we ask for and that nothing comes to us that we don’t request.” The Seth Books by Jane Roberts, particularly the book: “The Nature of Personal Reality”. Seth states again and again that we create our own reality, even down to the weather that occurs. Seth state that every sickness or bodily condition is a result of our beliefs and attitudes. The Abraham-Hicks material channeled by Esther Hicks states time and again that we “create it all.” They even cite an example of being confronted with a mad man stating that our thoughts attract us into such an unfortunate place. These teachings and many others support that we are “responsible for everything.” I am thankful to Steve Wells for having the courage to stand up to this theory that we create the bad that happens to us. I have suffered extreme guilt and been blamed time and time again by others when I complained of a painful situation. One Woman “Carol Howe” told me that I should have been more aware of what I was creating before I entered this life. She was A Course In Miracles teacher and was trying to tell me that I caused all my suffering before being born by my pre-birth choices. Steve Wells is the first person that I know that is aware of the suffering this concept is causing people. I know of no other person who thinks differently. I have had people refuse to help me because they thought “I had a lesson to learn.”. Beware of A Course In Miracles and the Abraham-Hicks material. They are both a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Wayne Williams, Brunswick, GA USA
Steve,
I did two workshops with you and David in Albuquerque which I enjoyed very much. We tipped a few beers together after the training.
As far a taking responsibility: I can only be responsible for my response to what happened. Two years ago I fell off some stairs and was hurt pretty bad. Eight of my ribs were broken and my collarbone in two places. As a result of this, my arthritis became very bad and had to have both knees replaced. I am still gaining strength from all of this. I do not feel I was responsible for any of this. My attitude has been good and I am now in the process of starting up my coaching practice again. I was interviewed on a Denver talk show today and have had response from potential clients who want to improve their learning skills.
Keep up the good work,
Paul M. Brown
In replying to Paul, I will quote a mentor of mine Alan Weiss: “I am continually surprised how stupid I was two weeks ago!” Yes, vibration IS important, I am not denying that, however in recent times I’ve come to see (as I’ve written in my previous posts) that action is just as important.
On this issue of responsibility, when I was younger I would have subscribed to a lot more of the total responsibility philosophy than I do now that I see the negative consequences of this for so many people. Same with The Secret, and affirmations and all that stuff. Don’t get me wrong, there are good things here for many people but I am looking at the overall consequences of the extremist thinking for the majority of people and I’m looking at the “fruits” of the philosophy rather than getting caught up in the sell. For many people, the fruit of this philosophy is spoiled…
Steve Wells
Dear Steve
Well done on being able to write, in such a great way, your thoughts and feelings re responsibility and where it begins and just where it ends. Some 4 years ago, you and David supported me in such am amazing way when my Mother passed away whilst I was at your seminar in Sydney. It was Mums choice to let go and go home, but the most important part for me was that she knew that I was so deeply supported and it was her time. Mum knew, from every part of her being that she was leaving me in really safe hands and that I would heal all those parts that need to be healed in times of grief – with eternal love in my heart
Looking forward to catching up in Sydney on 27th November
Please know that from my perspective re your topic, you are spot on and well done on your courage and your strength and conviction
May we all have the sernity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference —– and let go of judgement
Looking forward to being together again
Love
Sue
I agree with many things said about total responsibility. When someone finds themselves in a bad situation, the last thing you want to hear is that you create your own reality.
In my own journey I have learned that it is important to feel compassion and patience with those who have struggles and to keep for them a vision of the way you want them to be. In doing so, the unconditional love will elevate them to a new way for them to see their lives and will give them the energy to move into that direction.
As for creating our own reality. Absolutely. No exception to that rule.
When we are at our best, we embrace the divinity within us and believe that the divine acts for our ultimate good. But we do not manifest this divinity with total perfection. So we beat ourselves up over it. This is ego expressing itself, not the divine. Looking down our noses at someone else who doesn’t manifest perfectly is also an act of ego. And assuming we know exactly how the universe works is certainly an act of ego. Be willing to “not know”.
Hi Steve,
Thank you so much for this post. I am continually working with clients in that transformation process and recently wrote a similar article on the subject. This idea that they attracted or are responsible for the whole thing is a large hurdle to overcome, as it was in my own healing a few years ago. It SLOWS the healing process, which is not compassionate. Perhaps there are some semantics involved regarding what we are responsible for and what we are not. But I so agree with the “fruits” of the belief, for example, does it foster compassion or judgment? Many thank yous for publishing this truth. Shelley